Flowers for Ashes
by Perfection's-bloody-flaw
Summary: Katniss was raped when she was thirteen but no one apart from Prim, her mother and her long-term secret friend Clara from D11 know about her darling little girl. But what happens when Katniss finds herself falling for Peeta? Will she let down the walls she had spent so long building to protect her daughter for him? And what about the rebellion? Takes place post first hunger games.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello readers! I haven't written a fanfic for a while and this is my first time ever trying out a hunger games one! This might be a hard-hitting topic for some but I don't think it has been done before so I wanted to try something new. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger games. All rights are belonging to Suzanne Collins. Now that is the only time I will write the disclaimer just so you know now! **

**Reviews with both encouragement and feedback are very welcoming. And I hope you enjoy!**

Chapter 1

In the meadow filled with dandelions, I sing to her. She clings to my stomach and I clutch her tightly against me. My sweet baby. The sun shines down on our bodies and we contrast nicely against the grass. My olive tone skin next to her light brown complexion.

Her hair is long and curly. I refuse to cut it even though my mother is always warning me that she may get lice because of it. But her hair is very much a piece of her that makes her unique to all the other girls. In our district though she is already different because she isn't the same colour as the rest of us. Which is why I hide her away.

There was a dark period in my life after my father died. When I had turned thirteen I had fled away into the forest for a week, leaving behind Prim and my mother with a bunch of berries and a few squirrels that I had managed to collect beforehand. It was stupid of me to leave behind my fragile, little sister with a woman that was too much in mourning to look after her but there was nothing I could do; I had to get away.

I don't remember much about what happened that night. All I remember is the pain in my inner legs and 9 months of solitude and throwing up before she was born. My sweet baby. I didn't care what colour she was when I saw her but I knew that the plan to disguise her as my mother's child was useless because of it.

When the trains had arrived to district 12 to deliver grains and a few barrels of apples from 11, I had snuck her on it and bundled her into the arms of Clara. Clara was my best and only friend at that time and she was only 16 but was already working hard to make a living for herself. As she was from 11, I only saw her for brief moments every week when the trains arrived. She had dark chocolate skin and I knew that people would believe that the baby was her child. She didn't have any family as she was orphaned when she young so she took her in without asking too many questions. I have never loved her more than at that time.

I named her Brianna. Because she is strong. She has to be to have a mother like me. I knew that the capitol would never risk a child being born from two different district parents no matter what the consequences were that she was conceived. Snow probably knows but he still wouldn't want it to get out in case anyone starts getting ideas.

"Mama," she says "I'm tired."

I smile down at her, stroking her hair softly. At first I was scared that she wouldn't recognise me as her mother. We look nothing alike and I was only able to spend little amounts of time with her until she had to leave again. After the first hunger games I was frightened they would take her away from me especially after the defiance Peeta and I showed with the berries. A spark of rebellion as it was seen in Snow's eyes. _Convince me. _

But if I hid her away well enough, he left us alone. I reckon part of it is to do with the fact Clara looks after her. When he had come to talk to me, she was there playing with Bria and even though she is young enough to be his daughter, he saw her long locks and fiery spirit and liked what he saw.

Bria sings me out of my memories and I stand, picking her up. "How about we go home?" I suggest to her and she nods, wrapping her small arms around my neck. I'm always careful to take her out at times that I know no one will be there, like now knowing Peeta would be down at the bakery, Gale would be at the mines and Haymitch would be knocked out on his dining room floor.

Prim and my Mother are there when we get back, both busy making breakfast. They smile at us as we come in. "Morning Katniss!" Prim says, enthusiastically. "And hello Riri." She says and Bria moves slightly in my arms at Prim's voice. I put her down and she runs over to Prim.

"Good walk?" My Mother asks.

I nod. "Yeah. Its a really nice day today."

"It is." She agrees. "Not many times we get to see the sun out here in District 12." She pauses, taking time to look at the bags under my eyes and the wispy, tired smile on my face. "You should go lie down. Prim will watch Bria for a while, I'm sure."

I know that arguing is pointless and I could really use the sleep so I nod before making my way upstairs.

My body hits the cold bed with a sigh. My bedroom is not a happy place but a place that I come to scream at nightmares every night. Also a place that I come to think about Peeta every night.

_Peeta._ The boy with the bread. The boy who wanted the kisses in the arena to be real because he did love me. I think they were real because my body felt truly on fire when we kissed and when he held me. But I know I'm not cut out for a commitment like that. I have Bria to worry about and while Peeta could actually maybe have a future and even have a family, I know that I couldn't give him anything that he wanted. Peeta. The boy who lives only a street away in a massive house by himself.

I sometimes consider telling him about Bria, knowing that he wouldn't tell anyone else. He would be good with her too because he loves children and Bria would love him because he is hard to hate. He is just so _nice_. Even when I rejected him quite coldly, he still didn't get angry at me. Not in the way Gale got angry at me when I had dodged his kiss in the forest and turned down his love declaration, still in shock. I would _never _tell Gale about Bria.

It takes a while but I finally manage to fall asleep, and I am only awoken when I feel Bria jump into my bed. I wrap my arms around her, smiling.

"Mama. Do I have a daddy?" She asks.

My smile falters. "Yes you have a daddy."

"Where is he? Some of the kids that I see in the village have daddy's. Their daddy's swing them on their shoulders and tickle them. Why is my daddy not here to do that?"

My daughter is only just turning three years old and I thought I had at least another 4 years until she started asking questions like that. I didn't know what to tell her. "Your daddy...your daddy..." I trail off slightly, swallowing. "I can swing you up on my shoulders." I finally say. "And tickle you." A s I say this, I poke her stomach softly provoking a giggle out of her. "You don't need a daddy to do that."

She twirls her fingers in my hair. "Okay, Mama." She finally says before settling against my chest. "I love you." She mutters before slowly falling asleep. My heart swells with love for her.

She is in my dreams tonight. Normally its the same dream about her getting picked for the reapings, which I have accepted is almost heartbreakingly bound to happen but in this dream we sing together in a meadow filled with dandelions.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for your reviews so far! Please do review as they keep me going:) Hope you enjoy this chapter too. **

**-Kim **

Chapter 2

I trudge my way to town. Its been dull around here lately with Brianna back in 11, Prim back at school and Gale now working in the mines. I only see Gale on Sundays now when we hunt but by then he would be worn down and tired from working in the mines.

After turning away from his kiss, our relationship has been tense since. We act weary around each other and are no longer the kids that were completely in sync in the forest with our intentions sorely on feeding our family. Its hard to be like that when I catch Gale staring at me sometimes and have enough money to feed every person in the district comfortably for the rest of their lives. I wish Gale would take some of the money but he, like Peeta's family, is way too proud. If I was in his position though, I would probably be the same. Or maybe not as then I would be able to send some of that money to Clara in 11 to help look after Bria.

But the feelings I have for Gale do not confuse me like the ones I have for Peeta. When I'm with Gale, I feel happy but that could be to do with the fact we are in the forest more than anything else. Gale can be an escape from the life of a victor but I'm sure I still see him as the hungry fourteen year old I met in the woods all those years ago. He's a good friend. My brother even. But he can't possibly be more than that?

"Katniss," Greasy Sue greets me as I walk past her, with a black toothed grin. "How you doin'?"

"Fine thanks Sue." I say.

"You come find ol' Greasy when you need me." She says. "I'll fix you up with some of my famous stew."

Greasy Sue was one of the only people who still treated me the same after the games. But even then, I could see that she was talking about something other than just stew. I smile nether the less. "I will do." I reply, sincerely.

I keep on walking, passing the invisible barrier between the Seam and town. My mother had sent me down here to get bread for dinner tonight and even though I didn't really care what people thought of me, I wished I had worn something other than my hunting coat and shabby old boots.

It doesn't take long for me to arrive at the bakery and as I enter, I am hit by the familiar comforting smell of bread and baking. "I'll be right there." yells a voice. I would recognise that voice anyway now.

"What can I get you?" Peeta asks, appearing from the back while putting on an apron. He freezes slightly when he sees me. "Katniss," He breathes out. "Hey."

"Hi." I mutter awkwardly, playing with the ends of my coat.

"How have you been?" It amazes me how considerate Peeta can be, even after I had hurt his feelings after the games. His blue eyes watch me with almost a sense of relief and concern.

I hesitate before deciding to be honest. "I've been managing." I say. "Uh, my mother sent me down here to get some bread for lunch."

"Of course!" He exclaims, as if remembering we are in a bakery after all. "What can I get you?"

"Urm...what do you recommend?" I ask, lamely.

He raises an eyebrow slightly before looking around. "How about your favourite? Cheese buns, right?"

I frown. "How did you know they were my favourite?"

He chuckles slightly, as he gets a bag starting to pile in the cheese buns. "Your eyes used to light up whenever my father gave you cheese buns when you traded. I just guessed they were probably your favourite." He noticed that about me?

I look down guiltily. Peeta seemed to know a lot about me when I hardly knew anything about him. And looking back now, all I could remember us talking about during the games was me and my family. He has two brothers doesn't he? It makes me even more guilty when I realize I don't even know their names.

"How are you doing?" I ask him finally.

He pauses for a second, bun in mid air and looks at me in surprise. "Me? Well I...its just a bit lonely I guess. I mean, I see my brothers and my father when I come down here of course but its a bit lonely up in that massive house by myself."

My heart swells slightly with sympathy and I pity Peeta for that second. Peeta who is never mean to anyone. Who probably feels like I used him just to win the games. "I'm lonely too." I say quietly and he gives me once again a surprised expression. I wouldn't blame him; I hardly confided in anyone. "I have Prim and my mother, and Gale I guess but they don't really understand-"

"What its like." He finishes for me, his expression purely understanding. "I know what you mean."

He puts in a final bun, counting up to 10. "Here." He says, handing me the bag. I shove the money at him but he shakes his head. "Its on the house."

"But-"

"Don't worry, I'll pay for it myself." He says. "I might as well, I only have myself to share the money with." He adds when I start to protest. This makes me think of Brianna and Clara, who need the money to survive.

I simply nod and move to leave but before I do I pause. "Peeta, what's your favourite colour?"

He frowns. "Orange. Why?"

"No reason, " I lie. "But Orange? Really?" I grimace sending him a look.

He laughs loudly. "A soft Orange. Like the sunset." He explains.

I nod, looking at him through lowered lashes. The sunset was warm and Peeta was warm so it made perfect sense. "Mine is green. Like the forest." I mutter as I leave, but not before looking back at him.

I've never seen a more beautiful smile. A smile that I would never left myself fall in love with.

* * *

That night I dream a familiar dream, the one where I am back in the arena. This time, Peeta eats the berries too quickly and I hold his lifeless body in my arms screaming as they announce that I am the winner of the 74th hunger games. That's a lie though because no one ever wins the games. _Convince me. _

I wake up screaming with Prim standing over me with a concerned expression on her face. "I'm okay little duck." I whisper to her and she crawls into the bed, holding me tightly. She doesn't take the nightmares away but her presence calms me down and I don't scream for the rest of the night.

I wake up later on and its a Sunday so I head down to the forest. Gale is there as always and we say our greetings before going on with the hunt.

We check all his traps first which all contain game and stuff it in my game bag before treading over to the strawberry patch to pick some strawberries to trade with the mayor later on.

"How are the mines?" I ask him, as we pick the strawberries, putting them in a small pouch.

He shrugs. "Same old, same old." He is silent for a while. "I don't think I'll survive in there Catnip." He tells me honestly.

I knew what he meant. I had hated the countless school trips that we had down to the mines and couldn't imagine having to be in there for countless hours every day. Gale was like me in his love for the vast space of the forest. "I could give you money." I say for the millionth time.

"Catnip-"

"You could work for it." I continue. "You could catch game for me. Or even clean my house." I joke.

He doesn't smile though, only looks down at the strawberry patch. "You know I couldn't even if I wanted to."

"Its not fair."

"I know Catnip. I know." His hand moves as if to take my own but I move my hand from his reach. He sighs but we continue picking the strawberries as if nothing had even happened.

* * *

Clara phones me later on and after I finish my nightly talk with Brianna, we settle into a conversation. Snow had given her the phone for her house just a few days ago and she tells me that though he never calls her on it, he gave her his number anyway.

"Its sick. I'm old enough to be his daughter." She hisses to me that night.

"He could be listening in to this conversation you know."

"I don't care. Let him."

I smile slightly at this. I can see why Snow took a liking to her. Clara was witty, sarcastic and confident which many girls in both the districts and the capitol lacked. Feisty, he had called her when she had tore away her hand from him the moment he had ducked down to kiss it. "Do you guys need me to send you more money?" I ask.

"Katniss." She says and I can almost see her rolling her eyes. "All this time we have been fine. I make more than enough when I am doing the runs on the train and we have managed without you winning an obscene pot of gold. We'll be fine. We have never starved."

"Thank you. For looking after her. For being my friend." I say quickly. "I know I don't say it enough but I am grateful."

She is silent for a bit and her voice is mischievous when she talks once again."Have you been around Peeta today?" She teases, "He always does seem to bring out the best in you."

I roll my eyes. "Oh shut up." I say but my voice must have been a couple pitches too high as her recognisably loud laugh sounds through the phone.

She stops after a while at playing to my expense turning into serious Clara once again but her smile still stays evident in her voice. "You know I would do anything for the both of you. We promised to look out for each other, didn't we?"

"That we did." I reply, the corners of my mouth jerking upwards slightly.

"He's probably from my district isn't he?" She says. "Bria's skin is so dark that he has to be from here."

We never really talk about the possibility of who her father could be. My mother had asked me lots of questions about his appearance and his age after she found out but I just didn't know. But Bria's skin colour does single out district 11 as the people there generally tend to have darker skin tones.

"Do you want to know who the father is?" Clara continues.

"I don't know." I admit. "I should be traumatized about it, shouldn't I? Anyone in my...situation would be. But I don't remember enough of what happened to be. I probably wouldn't even have known it had happened if Bria hadn't been born."

"Its okay to say it Katniss, you know that right? Its not just some different situation that you had Bria. You were ra-"

I hang up the phone before she can say. Because I don't want to ever think about my daughter associated with a word like that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey! Thank you guys so much for all the support, follows, reviews and favourites so far! I just love hearing from all of you:) **

**Now to answer some questions that I have gotten so far...**

_**ColMikeFuser **_**Snow is just completely full of surprises *hint for future chapters*;) and as for your question, Katniss was going through a traumatic experience at the time with the death of her father of course and as that is such a dark period in her life, like many trauma victims, cannot remember much of the actual grieving time including being raped. **

**A lot of you do seem interested in who she was raped by and why she was raped. Well that will be hopefully found out later on in the story! **

**_fandom4fandom _Thank you so much and to be fair, when I first came up with this idea I was hesitant to write it as I thought it would end up badly written myself but I am glad you do not think so! If you are still having difficulty with your first fanfic, then don't hesitate to pm me! **

**Well, on with this chapter! Hope you enjoy it. **

Chapter 3

_My eyes shoot open and a groan escapes my lips as the sound of crying fills the room. 'No. Shut up' I think to myself, clamping my hands over my ears. I rock my body on the bed, curled up into foetus position. Prim sleeps peacefully besides me, not a care in the world on her small, pixie-like 10 year old face. My mother's body lays just a little way away on the other bed, unmoving. I knew the crying must have woken her up as she was probably used to it now after having both Prim and myself but she hardly ever moved apart from to go to the toilet or the kitchen for food that was mostly never there. _

_I take a small breath before grudgingly lifting myself off the bed. I walk over towards the small cot in the room and sit down beside it cross legged and stare at her, trying to figure out what was wrong. Did her nappy need changing again? Or maybe she was hungry? Why couldn't babies just talk and tell you exactly what they needed! Brianna's cries turn into mewls when she spots me and her surprisingly pudgy arms reach out to me. _

_I pick her up and hold her onto my chest. Clara had dropped her off yesterday and I still had to get used to this little thing that's life right now always depended sorely on someone else. She stops crying almost immediately but I still sway her slightly in my arms to comfort her. Maybe she just had a bad dream. But could babies dream? _

_She makes a weird half burp, half gurgle sound and I pull her away from me, in surprise. Her eyes watch me before her lips move upwards in what seems to be a smile. It lights up her entire face and I find myself retaliating and smiling back at her. Her first smile. _

"_I'll always protect you, little d-" I pause. Little duck has always been Prim's nickname so I couldn't give that to Bria. Plus, Bria wasn't like kind, gentle Prim. No, she seemed to have inherited my own personality which to an outsider's point of view was actually a bad thing. _

"_I'll always protect you, my baby girl." I whisper, holding her back against my chest. "Because you are mine, aren't you? I know I'm not much but I-I don't know who you father is, so I guess you just have me." I mutter and I feel her lips move upwards once again on my chest. _

I open the door early that morning to find Peeta standing outside, a sheepish smile on his face. "Good morning." He says.

"Morning." I reply, surprised.

His hand moves upwards to rub the back of his neck. "I uh, was baking this morning," No surprise there. "And I made a bit too much bread for myself and you know, the whole of the district so I thought I could bring you some for your breakfast." He grins.

"Oh. You didn't have to-"

"No, please take it." He interrupts me, stuffing the brown paper bag into my hands.

I open the bag to find two loaves of hearty bread, containing a large amount of grains and seeds. Its still fresh, and the smell wafts up to my nose making me swallow in anticipation. "Thank you, Peeta." I say quietly and he gives me another one of his beautiful smiles.

"So uh I guess I'll be seeing you around then?" His voice goes higher at the end and I could almost say that he sounded hopeful.

I felt another sting of pity hit my chest. "Would you like to join us for breakfast?" I ask hurriedly before I could convince myself otherwise.

Peeta smiles, relief pouring into his eyes. I wonder how many times he has had to have breakfast alone since returning from the games. "I'd love to."

I take a step back to allow him in and feel my skin prickle as he brushes past me to get inside. I lead him to the kitchen, where my mother and Prim are busy setting up for breakfast. They look up as we enter and while Prim seems surprised to see Peeta, my mother hardly even bats an eyelash.

I cough. "Peeta, this is Prim and My mother as you probably already know."

He nods. "Of course. Its a pleasure to make you acquaintance." He smiles, shaking hands with my Mother. It always amazes me how easily Peeta can not only turn on his charm but get even those from the Seam and Capitol to like him.

Prim melts like the butter she already is and throws her arms around Peeta. "Thank you for keeping Katniss safe in the games." She says to him.

Peeta seems surprised by the action and I send him an apologetic glance. He only shakes his head, hugging Prim back just as tightly. "It was more like she kept me safe."

"No, you kept her going." Prim replies after he had pulled away. "You kept her fire burning."

I give Prim a weird look. Kept her fire burning? How...strangely poetic. And completely ridiculous.

Peeta must have sensed my bemusement as he moves straight back on to my mother, engaging her in a conversation about her work as a healer. This also gets Prim talking and I make myself and Peeta a cup of mint leaf tea as they discuss the wonders of stitches and healing herbs.

I hand Peeta the cup of tea and take him on a tour around the house. We end up in my bedroom, standing there awkwardly as we finished off our cups of tea.

"I like it here." Peeta remarks, glancing at me. "Its...homely."

"You mean messy."

"No! I-"

My laugh interrupts him and I flop down on the bed, leaving my empty cup on the bedside table. "Its okay. We haven't always been the cleanest family around."

He also laughs and hesitates before following my actions and sitting beside me, leaving a good metre between us. This hurts for some reason as only a month ago I could remember laying curled up around each other in the cave during the games. It only broadcasts the lies I had told Peeta in the arena even more.

"Me and my family were like that at home too." He says, a small, caring smile on his face before it falters.

"Do you miss them?" I ask, quietly.

He shrugs. "Yes, I do. But, I've got other things on my mind too." He mutters. I know that he is thinking about dealing with all the after effects of the games.

The thing is though, when the Capitol doctors had told us that night terror, trauma and even depression was a common "after effect" found repeatedly in victors, they were sugar coating it. Nightmares were something that I wouldn't curse upon anyone; not even Snow.

"I get them too." I say after a while. "Nightmares, I mean."

He looks at me in surprise. "You do?"

I simply nod, not really wanting to talk about it.

Peeta must have noticed this because he quickly changes the topic. "You must love to write." He says, and I look up confused. I follow his gaze and notice it on the stack of paper on the desk across the room.

Peeta stands up walking over towards them and I cough abruptly. "I don't write." I say, and he looks at me, an eyebrow raised.

"Well, what are these?"

"Nothing."

He frowns slightly. "Well...may I?" He asks, gesturing his hand to the pile. I hesitate before nodding. He lifts up a piece of paper and inspects it. "Drawings?" He breathes, seeming shocked.

I don't say anything. He goes through the pile, inspecting each one carefully. "Katniss, these are really good." He says when he is finished, a curious expression glazing his face.

I shrug. "Its nothing. Just doodles." He gives me a pointed look and I sigh. "They're...dreams."

"Dreams?"

"Yeah."

"You draw this person quite a lot." He says, picking up one of the drawings. He holds it up to me and its a drawing of the faceless man. The man is tall and sturdy like trees in a forest but at the same time he is hunched. Standing as if he has something to hide, as if he is guilty about something.

"I dream about him quite a lot." I admit.

Peeta hesitates slightly before muttering a quick "Someone you know?" As soon as he asks that, he takes a small step back and his face appears almost ashamed. I couldn't blame him, he probably thought I would lash out at his question being the private person that I was.

"No." I say simply, taking the piece of paper from him. I gather the stack of drawings and shove them messily into the top drawer of the desk, my tone final. I didn't know who he was but I dreamt about him so much that he seemed almost familiar to me. As if I didn't know him but he knew me. It was always the same dream. A faceless, hunched man in a forest filled with tall and sturdy trees. But at the same time as I couldn't draw his face, I never dreamt his face either.

Peeta watches me silently before his hand flies up to rub the back of his neck again and I take time to wonder if this was a habit of his. "Can I show you something?"

* * *

Peeta's house is squeaky clean, polished and pretty much unused apart from his bedroom, living room and kitchen which is covered in random splats of white flour. He leads me to a room which probably would have been one of the bedrooms but has been cleared out, now containing a large amount of canvases, some which are covered by sheets.

"This is where I paint." He explains to me.

"You paint?" I ask, not really all that surprised. It was common knowledge that he was the one who decorated the cakes in the bakery and his camouflage during the games was extremely good. Being able to paint fits Peeta very well.

"Yeah. Like you I paint dreams. Well nightmares really." He says, looking away. "Mostly the stuff in the games. It helps to get it all out of my head."

I walk over to one of the bigger canvases and pull away the sheet. The painting itself is splashed with many colours that resemble to me the Capitol. But on the painting was one of the mutts that had torn apart Cato at the end of the games. The very memory of it makes me shiver.

The mutt here has big brown eyes like sweet, kind Rue. Big brown eyes like my little baby girl. The very thought takes my breath away. "Sorry." Peeta mumbles behind me.

I shake my head. "Its...amazing." I say honestly, dropping the sheet back down. I take my time inspecting a few more of his paintings. It doesn't take a while until I come across a painting of myself. I am sitting in a meadow, much like the one I take Bria to when we have the time, but this meadow is filled with primroses instead which makes me smile.

I turn back towards Peeta who is watching me with a guarded expression, anticipating my reaction. "You're really good Peeta. Decorating cakes just doesn't do you justice."

He grins. "Thank you Katniss."

"So...why did you bring me here?"

"Well, you can draw really well." He began. "So I was just wondering that maybe we could paint. Together." He adds a little quieter.

I am taken back by this and my answer comes out in stutters. "Paint? Urm...Peeta, my drawings may be decent but I sure as heck can't paint!"

"Come on Katniss," He urges. "Painting isn't that far off from drawing! And maybe if I teach you how to paint, then you could teach me how to sing."

I stare at me, eyebrows furrowed. "How do you know I can still sing?"

"I reckon you still sing to the birds because they still stop when you walk by, as if waiting for something. And if your voice is still as sweet as it was back when you sang the valley song then I know you still sound amazing."

I roll my eyes. "Peeta-"

"Please?" He asks, puppy-like eyes trained on me. "If you don't like it then...then I will bake you as many cookies as you want."

I have to swallow my laugh then but I can't stop the jerking of my lips. "Fine." I give in and he smiles happily.

What am I getting myself into?


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey! Sorry for such a late post, been up to my neck in school work recently! To answer a couple questions...**

_**Guest **_**If you are all for everlark then you will enjoy this chapter I hope! More Peeta and Katniss will be coming up! **

_**emeralgreenlove **_**Thank you so much for your review! I'll try and re-write the summer, didn't realize it was confusing before! **

**Now on with the show. Hope you enjoy this chapter! **

Chapter 4

"Mama, Auntie Clara said that we might be able to come see you again before you go away again." Bria's voice says quietly through the phone.

I smile. "That would be lovely honey." I reply. Of course "go away" meant that I was going on the famous victor tour in a couple of weeks time. The trains from D11 had been struggling as winter came around and I had always hated this time of year as it meant I wouldn't be able to see Brianna as much. One Christmas and one birthday were the only ones out of her three years that I had been able to spend with her and it pained me.

"I made you something," She continues giggling a little.

"Did you know? Hmmm...is it a pretty picture?" I ask in exaggerated excitement. A small "No" replied accompanied with another giggle. "Aw, I can't think what it might be! Why don't you tell me?"

"Mama but that will spoil the surprise." She says before immediately telling me "I made you a song."

"A song?" I ask, a rare grin now forming on my face. "You wrote a song just for me?"

"Mhm" She says, "Auntie Clara says that you will like it. I'll sing it to you when we come!"

"I would like that very much." I say, feeling a soft pang in my heart. "Now my baby girl, Mama has to go. Be a good girl for Auntie Clara, alright?"

Bria sighs quietly. "Okay Mama." She replies. "I love you!"

"I love you too. So much." I manage to mutter before the line cuts itself off.

I put the phone back down and just stare at it for a bit. It isn't too long before I hear a cough behind me and I spin around to see Prim, leaning against the door frame to the living room. "You okay little duck?" I ask.

She yawns, blinking dazedly. "Can't sleep." She says.

I flop down on the sofa, holding my arms out to her. She stumbles into them and I hold her tightly towards me. "Remember what dad used to say to us whenever we couldn't sleep?"

She laughs quietly. "That we were probably awake in someone else's dreams."

I nudge her playfully. "So maybe someone out there is dreaming about a sweet little girl healing the sick or giving out free cookies to little kids."

She hums in response, a small smile on her face. "Katniss...do you think that maybe I am awake in Rory's dream?"

I splutter at her words. "Wait...what?"

She blushes, looking down. "Oh you know, I was just..." Nope. I couldn't have any of that. I didn't want to let go of my little duck, my _baby _sister just yet to this grown up world. In fact. I didn't ever want to let her go.

I give her a stern look. "I reckon its time for you to go back to bed."

"But I can't-"

"Drink some milk, it will help." I coo lightly at her and she gives me a weird look.

"Katniss, I'm not a baby." She pouts. "I don't need milk." She argues but in the end she gives in and I warm up a bit of goats milk in a glass in a ball of hot water for her before sending her back upstairs with it. She was only thirteen for goodness sake. She did not have time to be thinking about boys.

Heck I didn't even have time to be thinking about boys. Minus Peeta who just can't help but be in my thoughts everyday.

* * *

"Do we have to do this?" I ask Peeta for the tenth time that day. We are standing in his painting room, both of us dressed in old baggy clothes. Peeta had observably taken time to plan this day out as there were various empty canvases surrounding us and large balls of paint on a table near us.

"Not if you don't want to." Peeta answers, chewing on his lower lip. "But just try it this once. It really is relaxing Katniss and it takes my mind off...well the games so maybe it will do the same thing for you."

"Does it help with nightmares too?" I ask, hopefully.

He shakes his head. "No. I don't think anything can help with the nightmares." He mutters and silence falls around us as we both take in this disturbing fact. "Anyway, lets get started."

I simply look at him as he gestures towards the paint and brushes on the table. After noticing that I obviously wasn't going to move he makes his way over to the table first and picks up one of the larger brushes. He dips it in a ball of brown paint before going towards a canvas and starting to paint.

I watch him for a while, the way his firm, sculptured muscles tense slightly every once in a while even though his brush strokes are soft and rapid. It doesn't take long for me to realize what he is painting as the trunk of a tree starts to come alive. He would every while add a bit of black to the brown he was painting, mixing the two colours in certain places to make the tree look even more realistic.

Peeta doesn't push me though when I don't make a move to start, though I can already see the slow dimming of the light in his eyes. I was too nervous to do anything though because I had already played back 50 scenarios in my head of me just adding a little colour to the painting and basically ruining everything.

The worst thing about those scenarios though wasn't the fact that the paintings were ruined but it was that sweet Peeta would probably tell me it was the best painting he had ever seen and even broadcast it along with the other paintings that he was showing for his talent on the victory tour. It wouldn't matter how bad it was though as just the mere mention that we had done the painting together would send the Capitol in a lovestruck frenzy. The thought almost makes me laugh.

The only thing I knew to do with drawings to make them look realistic was shading. So looking at Peeta's already on its way to incredible painting, I decide that its the best I can do without ruining the painting.

I pick up a medium sized brush from the stack of brushes and dip it in the black painting. I go over to the canvas and start to dab the black onto the tree trunk. Peeta looks at me in surprise that I actually decided to give it a go before the tips of his lips quirk up and he goes back to painting.

I follow Peeta around the canvas, shading and shadowing with blacks, browns and murky dark greens. We paint the opening to a forest in silence and it takes us most of the afternoon including a break that we took where we went down to his kitchen and ate the ready prepared cookies and cheesebuns.

"It looks..." Peeta begins to say as we step back to look at the masterpiece.

"Unfinished." I finish for him, brows furrowed. "But I can't tell what's missing."

"I think I know." He says and goes over to the paint. He dips his hand in the green paint and starts to press the tips of his fingers against the leaves of the trees. He does this quickly and when he steps back finished I see the effect that this has on the leaves. The trees stand out a bit more than the rest of the picture does but it makes it all the more realistic. "Done!"

"Finally." I say. "Thought it'd take us the night."

"Would you have stayed the night?"

"To finish this?" I pause. "Yes." I say and he grins at me. We just look at each other until I notice that he was pressing his hand that was covered with the green paint on the canvas to lean unto it, probably taking pressure of his leg. "Uh...Peeta."

"Yeah?"

"Your hand." He looks at me confused before following my stare. "Oh shoot." He exclaims, pulling his hand away quickly but it was too late. On the middle tree's trunk was a large green hand print. "Oh...Katniss...Damn, I'm so sorry."

I stare at the hand print before turning to the balls of paint and dipping my hand into the orange ball. Sunset Orange.

I make my way to the canvas and press my orange hand onto the tree trunk, just bellow his. Its smaller by a large comparison and it makes the painting look silly but I like it. Its worth it anyway because Peeta's smile is beautiful right that moment. He grabs a small paintbrush, dips it in black and write K + P in swirly letters just bellow the hands. It reminds me of the countless hearts with names in them that I always used to find on the desks at school.

"Katniss, it's beautiful." He says, grinning at me.

"Well of course it is, you painted it!"

"But you helped me. You're the reason its so good." He argues with me. "You wouldn't mind if I..urh..shared it along with my other paintings when broadcasting my talent would you?"

"And I guess you are going to tell them that we both painted it?" He gives me a sheepish look but I laugh. "Peeta, its fine. I...I really enjoyed this day. For what its worth." I add in quickly.

He smiles. "I enjoyed myself too Katniss. I hope we can do it again some time."

I nod at this. Surprisingly, I do too.

* * *

I didn't think some time would be the next day so it surprises me when Peeta shows up at my doorstop early next morning. "Hey. These are for you." He says, putting another brown bag into my hands.

I glare at him. "Peeta, you really have to stop doing this. I owe you too much already."

"You owe me nothing." He says, shaking his head. "You know I bake way more then I need. And my family won't accept anything I make so you might as well take it. You'd be doing me a huge favour." He adds, hastily.

I sigh but accept the bag. With the smell wafting to my nose, I am happy to figure out he has made cheese buns. "I'm guessing that's not all you are here for?"

He hesitates. "Well, we did make a deal. How about those singing lessons then?"

* * *

We have breakfast with my mother and Prim before I take Peeta to the meadow which is deserted as everyone was either in school, working or in Haymitch's case, passed out drunk.

I come to realize that Peeta had many gifts and talents but singing just isn't one. "Just try and copy me." I say once again before I begin to sing the first few lines of the Hanging tree, a song my father used to sing to me when I was younger before my mother banned it.

"_Are you, Are you  
Coming to the tree  
Where they strung up a man they say murdered three." _

Peeta repeats the words and it takes everything in me to not put my hands over my ears or run away. Buttercup could probably sing it better! In the end, we both decide to give up when we end up in giggles everytime Peeta opens his mouth.

"I like it." Peeta anounces. "The song, I mean."

I nod. "My father used to sing it me when I was little."

"What's it about?" He asks.

I shrug. "Two lovers. A dead man calling out to his lover to come join him on the hanging tree." I mutter. _"Are you, are you, coming to the tree. Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me."_ I sing softly.

I turn my head back to Peeta to find his gaze fixtated on me. I feel a small shiver crawl up my spine as the familiar tension settles between us. He gulps. "Katniss, I-"

"Nope."

He frowns. "But I-"

"I know you do." I snap and he stops, looking down. The guilt immediately seeps in. "Peeta-"

"Its fine." He interrupts me.

"I'm so-"

"Lets just go back." He says simply, standing up. I push myself off the ground and we walk back to the victor houses in silence.

His house shows up first and we pause at his driveway. I try my hardest to look anyway but in Peeta's large, hurt blue eyes."If you stop looking at me like I'm wounded, then I can stop acting like it." He mutters, his voice strained. "And then maybe we have a shot at being good friends." At that, he turns away and walks into his house the door closing loudly behind him.

I take a deep breath, in through my nose and out through my mouth feeling sorry for myself and Peeta. _Convince me. _I think I need to stop convincing myself first though. I couldn't ever like Peeta in that way. Never.

So why did my heart feel as if it was about to burst out of my chest any second now?


	5. Chapter 5-Victory tour part 1

Hey** guys! Thank for all your support so far! Please, please keep reviewing as that is more inspiration for me and quicker updates for you! **

_**Isra22 **_**There will indeed be a quarter quell in this fic! However, I am not sure if I am going to follow what happens in the book. I'm half way between Peeta and Katniss actually having to get married and having to mentor or going into the quell of course. CAN EVERYONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THEY WOULD PREFER. **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! **

**~Kim**

_A__bove all love each deeply because love covers a multitude of sin. 1 Peter 4:8 _

Chapter 5: Victory tour Part 1

"We could still take off, you know." Gale says as we stalk quietly through the forest. "Live in the woods."

"What about our families?" I ask, giving him a weird look.

He shrugs. "We could take them with us."

I almost laugh at that. "Gale, can you imagine Prim in the woods? And our mothers are getting too old for it now anyway."

He sighs. "It was just an idea, Catnip."

"How are the mines?" I ask, as he throws a pebble up at a tree and I shoot down a bird that comes flying out of it.

"Good. We've managed to hit jackpot this week and found more coal then we usually do." He says with a grin. "There is even talk that we might get a longer break than just Sunday off. Maybe even a whole week off from the mines."

"Gale, that's great! More time to spend with your family."

"I was actually wondering if we could spend more time together."

I raise an eyebrow. "What?"

He smiles. "Well Catnip, I hardly see much of you now outside hunting. I thought it'd be nice if we could hang out outside the woods for a change."

"Gale, we hardly saw much of each other when you didn't work in the mines." I point out to him. "You were always busy with school or your friends or your girlfriends." I say. It was absolutely no secret that Gale was more than a bit of a womaniser. I could see what all the girls saw in him. Tall, dark and handsome Gale was which I think for them made up for his temper.

"Anyway," I continue. "You should focus that time on teaching Rory how to hunt. I know your family has been struggling a bit since you started working in the mines. And I've been struggling here too, having to hunt solo."

He frowns. "But I...yeah, your right." He gives in. "But I won't teach him now. Later." He says, before leading the way towards his traps. "So who has been taking up all your free time then? Mellark, I am guessing."

"Nope." I reply, honestly. I hadn't seen much of him since we painted together. He still dropped by every now and then with a brown paper bag filled with bread and cookies for Prim but other then a smile or nod whenever we saw each other, had been pretty distant. I knew it was because he was trying to get over me. And while I probably should be happy with this, there was still a small part of me that wanted to be loved by Peeta. A small, selfish, lonely part of me. "I've been getting ready for the victory tour."

At this, Gale gives me a sympathetic look. "When do you leave?" He asks, his voice softened.

"End of this week." I reply, sighing. "12 districts, 12 big big days." I say sarcastically. "But I'll survive. Its not like I'm going into the games again."

"Don't you sometimes wonder why Haymitch...is like that though?" Gale asks. "A drunk even though he went into the games 25 years ago. Shouldn't he be happy that he escaped the games and has enough money to have a full belly for the rest of his life?"

Gale's words do get me thinking but I just assume the reason had something to do with dealing with nightmares. No one ever really escaped the games. Most if not all victors were terrorized by nightmares and people dealt with it in different ways. Me and Peeta were lucky to be surrounded with people, only a handful or two but surrounded neither the less, that helped us go through these things but Haymitch had no one. Maybe alcohol was just a substitute to this.

In the end I just shrug at Gale's question. "Alcohol can be hard to give up once you're addicted to it." I say which isn't completely a lie.

He nods, seemingly satisfied before we get to work taking the game out of his traps.

* * *

My prep team arrive later on that week, all squeals and giggles. I used to think Effie was pretty colourful with her big pink wig and pink-green outfit but that was before I went to the Capitol and found out she was actually pretty normal. My prep team are similar in their Capitol-ness but are very different with their various dyed skin tones and widely shaped hair colours.

"Katniss!" Octavia exclaims upon seeing me, diving towards me with her arms open. "Oh darling, its so good to see you."

I laugh quietly. "Hello Octavia." I reply, patting her back.

"Oh Katniss, you look fabulous in the clothes Cinna gave you." Flavius says, hugging me after Octavia let go. "But your hair...do you not own a conditioner?"

"And I would hug you deary but I'm afriad I would be hugging a hairy grizzly bear." Venia says, patting my hand.

"You are not mistaken." Octavia mutters to her and all three of them shoot me looks.

"Dear...have you not used the razors that were in the gift bag we left you with?" Venia asks, frowning.

"Or the conditioner?"

"Or the nail filer?"

I shake my head sheepishly to their simultaneous sighs. "I haven't had time." I lie, smoothly.

"Poor Peeta." Flavius whispers. "You could at least make an effort if not for yourself than at least him."

I flush slightly. "Peeta, uh, likes me the way I am." To be honest I am not sure whether this is a lie or truth. But he did fall in love with the Katniss that had not yet been touched by the Capitol.

This statement of course sends them in pits of squeals as they start to set up in the room next door, already talking about me and Peeta's undying love for each other. Their squeals gain more volume when I introduce them to Prim, who they coo over, tugging at her plaits and patting her head.

"I see you already have your hands full with this lot." A voice says from behind me, followed by a small chuckle.

I grin as I turn around to see Cinna, leaning against the doorway. "Cinna." I jog over to him, throwing my arms around him.

He slips his arms around me, squeezing tightly. "Girl on fire." He greets me as we pull away.

"Haven't you heard? I'm officially the girl with the berries now." I say as we link arms, walking over to the rest of the prep team.

He sighs. "Oh, I've heard all right. Can't imagine Snow is that happy." He says with a sympathetic rub on my arm. The action draws my eyes towards the ring that rests on his ring finger making me pull away in shock.

"Cinna, is there something you are not telling me?" I ask, a cheeky smile on my face. "What is that?" I point to his ring.

I see a flash of red appear under his dark skin tone as he smiles at me. "You got married!" I exclaim. "When? Who? Forget that, what a stupid question. It's Portia isn't it!" I say hurriedly and he laughs.

"Yes I got married. And It happened so quickly that we didn't get to tell you. I'm sorry, Katniss." He says but I wave away his apology. "And yes, Portia. How did you know?"

"You always looked at her weirdly." I say and he raises his eyebrows at me. "Not in a creepy way, of course. A bit like...a bit like Peeta looks at me."

He smiles. "Yes, I think I know what you mean."

"Come on you two!" Venia calls. "We have _a lot _of work to do."

Our talents are broadcast later on that day. There is a small feature of me and Cinna showing if "Our" designs and another small feature for Peeta to show off his paintings. I am glad that he has chosen to show paintings that weren't really as much to do with the games. It surprises me when he still shows the forest that we did together but I can't deny my happiness at the way his eyes light up as he talks about it.

Cinna throws me a look at this part and I return it nonchalantly. Instead of saying something though he only smiles knowingly, shaking his head.

Later on that day, me and Peeta have to do our interview together. The cameras are set up outside and Effie gives me a cue before I walk out of my house and down the front stairs. Peeta mimics my actions but his steps are a little more awkward and slower then mine due to his prosthetic leg.

We look at each other and I feel a small spark underneath my chest. I take a deep breath, plaster on a camera-worthy smile before I run over to him, throwing my arms around him. At the last second though I lose my footing and we both slip onto the floor, me landing on top of Peeta.

His hold on me is strong and his warm blue eyes are watching me. Before I could talk myself out of it, I bend down and kiss him softly. The kiss is almost nothing more than a peck but a pit of heat still spreads across my stomach.

"Shall we come back later?" Caeser's voice breaks us up followed by the cheers and laughs of the audience.

I jump off Peeta and help him up. We stand close to each other, wrapped around each other like the starcrossed lovers we are. The interview itself is a little awkward but Peeta's charm and way with the words once again pulls us through.

When the camera's are off, we automatically step away from each other. I catch the strained look on Peeta's face making me feel all too guilty again. "Nice performance." He says, quietly. "Almost thought that kiss was real." His words are bitter and I realize that he has every right to be.

"It was." I say before I could stop myself. He freezes, his eyes suddenly fixed on me.

The tension is broken all too quickly by Effie tumbling towards us and congratulating us on a brilliant performance and Haymitch walking behind her, grumbling at how we needed to do more.

* * *

The rest of the next two days were spent packing and hugging Prim a little more tightly than usual. Clara managed to come with Bria on the last day before we left and with our Prep teams around us, Peeta out a lot of the time and Haymitch more sober than usual, I could only see her at the train station.

Clara despite being a woman and only 19 by now, had been ambitious enough to secure a job as District 11 train manager. She didn't do as much of the labour instead having to supervise each job that was done in the train but did help out when people were having trouble.

Being a train manager also meant she had more privileges than other people...like not doing her job.

I raise an eyebrow at her as she sits down, putting her legs up on the table. "What?" She asks, eyeing me back. "I'm on a break."

"For two hours?" I say, sarcastically and she grins at me.

"I've employed someone to supervise the trains while I'm gone." She says. "With all this extra money I am getting, I am more than able to."

"Extra money?" I ask, confused. "But I haven't been able to send you guys anything this week."

"That's the thing." She mutters, leaning back on her chair. "Its just been turning up from nowhere. In envelopes at my doorstep, in my office on the train."

"I'm guessing Snow has something to do with it."

She doesn't seem surprised at this, simply shrugging. "I don't know what to do Katniss." She whispers finally. "He likes me. Me. Of all people." She rubs her eyes and its only then that I notice the soft darkness underneath them. Only then that I notice how bloodshot her normally clear, dark brown eyes are.

I frown. "Please tell me that this hasn't been keeping you up."

She gives me a sheepish look. "Well what would you do if you had the president of Panem, who likes to put kids in games to fight to the death then proceed to make the winners life a pig sty, after you.."

"I would use it to my advantage." I say, honestly. "You've got him at your beck and call. If he loves you-"

"How do you know its love?" She asks, frowning. "What if he...well you know." We both cringe at the thought.

"If he wanted _that _then he could have gone somewhere else." I say, more to make her feel better than anything. "His feelings are probably more affectionate than that."

I feel her accept my words but she is cut off by Bria bursting into the room. "Okay, I am ready mama!" My daughter says, a soft smile on her face.

She's grown quite a bit since the hunger games. Her curly hair is now longer than ever, falling to her waist. She has big brown eyes and long lashes like Rue and she is taller. At this rate, she might be as tall as Clara's 5'8. Her smile her changed the most. She's missing a few teeth. Teeth that I wasn't there to even see grow.

Me and Clara both laugh at her enthusiasm. "Okay, lets hear it then." I say, a large smile on my face.

She takes an exaggerated deep breath before she begins singing.

"_Litte dove._

_I see you in the sky, _

_where I play. _

_I see you flying by,_

_Little dove._

_Everyday. _

_Little dove. _

_Your voice is sweet, _

_Little dove. _

_Peaceful melodies, _

_my little dove. _

_Singing in the rain. _

_And when I cry,_

_because I've fallen over. _

_Or when my tummy_

_hurts I'll fall in love _

_with your voice_

_Little dove. _

_Everyday." _

We stand up and clap loudly when she finishes. She grins and even takes a bow before leaping into my arms and like always I am there to catch her. "What did you think mama?"

"It was beautiful, baby girl." I whisper, pressing kisses upon kisses on her cheeks.

She giggles, clutching her arms around my neck. "Can I sing as nice as you mama?" She asks, yawning as she says this which makes me grin. The performance seemed to have taken a lot out of her, especially with the 30 minute "preparation" she did.

"You know what sweet?" I ask, and she looks at me curiously. "I reckon you sing even better."

She smiles. "I love you Mama."

"I love you too, baby girl." It was so easy for me to say those words to her. It was still hard for me to say them to Prim even though of course I had known her longer and she was my little duck but the "I love you's" were tumbling out of my mouth for Bria since she had been born.

We hug for a while as it settles in that the victory tour starts tomorrow. Even though I only told Bria I would be going away, she was so in touch with me and Clara that she could feel something was off about it. Clara joins us after a while, wrapping her arms around the both of us and we sit like this for a long time.

* * *

"Be safe, Katniss." Prim says, jumping up to hug me.

I laugh quietly, patting her back. "I will, little duck. You too. Make sure you are eating OK? And that mother isn't working too hard." I say and she nods to my instructions.

"I will do."

I move on to my mother and we awkwardly hug each other. "Look after her. And yourself."

"You too Katniss. Though I am sure Peeta will-"

I pull away abruptly before she could finish and she just laughs at me. "Its time to go Katniss!" Effie calls and I give them both one last tight hug before jumping on the train.

Peeta gets on a little later after he has finished saying goodbye to his brothers and his dad. "12 big, big, big days are coming up!" Effie exclaims, already running us through the schedule as the train starts to leave the station.

I zone out on instinct, making my way over to the couch and flopping down. Effie leaves after a while, screeching something about Haymitch. Peeta stands there awkwardly in the corner before he mutters something, starting to take his leave.

For once I don't want him to go though. "Wait," I call out to him and he stops, turning around to face me. "Can you uh...urm...what time is dinner?" I ask, mentally slapping myself. Nice going Katniss. Who would have thought "breaking the ice" as Clara called it would be so hard.

His face seems to fall for a second before he smiles. "I think Effie said it was at 7." He says and I nod. Silence rests upon us and I look down at my lap, wringing my hands. "How have you been?" Peeta asks.

"I can't sleep." I say, surprising even myself at telling him this. "You?"

"Same here." He says which I had already guessed due to the identical dark circles under his eyes. I move over as an invitation which he happily takes, sitting down beside me. "I go back to the arena every night." He mutters. "Its like we've never even left sometimes. I think I understand now why Haymitch drinks himself to oblivion every day."

"And sleeps with a knife." I add on, nodding before sighing. "I look like a mess. My prep team have been going on about how much make up they are going to have to use this time because I haven't been getting my supposed beauty sleep."

He shakes his head, his blonde hair flopping against his eyes boyishly. "I think you look fine." He says. "You look beautiful."

His gaze is just too intense when he says this and my cheeks warm up making me look away before he could see. I feel him sigh beside me and he gets up. "I'll see you at dinner."

I frown. "Where are you going?"

"To my room." He replies. "I can see that I am making you uncomfortable." It hits me there that my turning away must have seemed like a bad sign to him and the all too guilty feelings that I constantly have around Peeta return to me. I have to stop him this time. I knew that I needed him if I was going to get through this victory tour. Heck I needed him if I was going to get through life as a victor now. No one can understand the way Peeta does.

"No! I uh..well." I pause before looking down. "You just make me blush."

At this, he turns back to me abruptly. "I...I do?" He breathes.

I nod. "All the time." I whisper before gulping and pushing down the red flags going off in my head, deciding to just be truthful with him for once. "No one ever says things like that to me. Or looks at me the way you do."

"And how do you think I look at you?"

"Like...like you have something to lose. Like I'm one of your paintings. Like I'm far away even when I am this close to you." I flush slightly. "Like you love me."

"I do." He says simply before sighing and sitting back down next to me. "I probably always will."

I shrug. "You know, I think I'm alright with that." I say playfully.

He raises an eyebrow, smiling at me. "So you'll allow it?"

"I'll allow it."


	6. Chapter 6-Victory tour part 2

**Hey guys, **

**Thank you for those of you who are ready the story and following it! Sorry for the late post, I was going through a bit of writers block. I only got 1 review last chapter (Thank you emeralgreenlove, I am also going through a lot of ideas of B and P's meeting;)) and I don't think I'll have the zeal to post another chapter unless I get some reviews so please please review. This story very much depends on what you guys want to happen. Can I please get more responses to the question of whether you guys would prefer Katniss and Peeta actually getting married and mentoring or entering the Quell. **

**Longer chapter this time so I hope you enjoy it! **

**Kim x**

Chapter 6:Victory tour 2

I wake up from the nightmare crying and her face is the only thing I see. Sweet little Brianna, who I normally only associate with love, kindness and sunshine but now surrounded with fear and tears. What if they took her away from me because of the speech I gave in district 11?

After winning the games, I had began to realize why Haymitch drank himself to sleep, why victors are morphine addicts. To get one night of dreamless sleep was the only thing I was craving right now. It was hard being plagued with old ghosts, mutts and poisonous wasps every night.

The sobs wrack my bodies and I force my hand up to cover my mouth. The night is still dark and the train is at soft hum in the endless world of Panem. My body is soaked with sweat which drips unto the perfectly pressed, silk sheets that I am lying on.

I push the bed covers off me and crawl out of the bed, collapsing onto the floor. I try to grip the floor to help me up but end up scraping at it with my nails the noise sounding harsh to my ears. I manage to get up on my knees, my breath coming out in sharp gasps.

I feel weak. Defeated. Empty. Alone. So Alone.

I never cried in front of people but here in the confinement of my large temporary bedroom, all I need is the embrace of someone else. I close my eyes tightly and take a deep breath before grabbing the bible on my bedside table without hesitation.

Here in Panem, bibles are hard to come by. Since the dark days, even faith had been stripped away from people but along with my Father's lullaby's, my mother also had songs. Songs of a God, a heavenly father who always watches over us, shelters us, guides us, forgives us and most importantly, _loves_ us. Of a God who sent his one and only son to the world to die for us to live and be reconciled with the Father. Of his son who died for not just the pure and good people but for the sinners, the weak and the unbelievers. And I always found myself asking the question, who could love all of me? No one knows all of me to be able to. Who could love psychotic, troubled, _murdering_ Katniss? What kind of love did this God have to love _all of me. _

My mother's family were always firm believers and from a young age I could remember my mother praying beside my bed until I was old enough to join her. She would pray not for money or more food like I first started asking for when I had grasped the idea of praying but she prayed for love, faith and comfort. I wanted those things. Oh, I wanted those things!

I flip through the bible blindly before I reach one of my favourite verses. _"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as this world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27 _Flip. Flip._ "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 _

That night I pray for what feels like hours with my heart crying. Afterwards however, I can't keep the smile off my face. I knew this didn't guarantee that I wouldn't suffer. Suffering was nature in the world. But it did mean that I could overcome the nightmares, overcome the fear.

I sleep until noon before Effie is banging on my door, yelling for me to get up. I grudgingly drag myself through the notions, showering and getting ready before going down to the main dining room at 12:30. Haymitch, Effie and Peeta are there eating lunch with Effie going over her schedule. She gives me a disapproving look as I sit down.

"You missed breakfast, Katniss." She tuts. "You are lucky we only arrive in District 7 later on today or we would have been heavily off schedule!" She exclaims.

"Sorry." I mutter, stabbing my fork into the strange looking beef meat.

"Well...At least you managed to get some sleep." She says. "Those bags under your eyes are not very lady like and-"

"Oh, Zip it princess!" Haymitch groans, rubbing his head gently trying to relieve what I guess is hang over pain. "No idea how you managed to sleep for that long though Sweetheart." He says to me an eyebrow raised.

I simply just shrug. I wanted to share to him and the others all I believed in but with this whole place bugged, I knew that it wouldn't go down well with Snow to start talking about faith. Peeta gives me a small, timid smile when our eyes catch and I hope my eyes smile at him because my mouth surely doesn't bother to.

"Now, we all know that what you guys pulled in 11 was stupid." Haymitch says leaning back on his seat. "And with what you told us about what Snow said to you Katnisss, I think you can guess that this is serious. I don't think your stunt did a good job at convincing him."

"So what?" I ask "The Capitol and the districts seem convinced enough."

"I don't know Katniss," Peeta speaks up. "Some of them did seem a bit...rowdy."

I frown but don't bother to argue with this as it was in fact true. We all had seen it first hand. "The boy is right." Haymitch says, "That means you guys are going to have to do more."

"What more can we do?" I mutter, frowning "We are all over each other in the cameras. Next thing to do would be get married." It comes out sarcastic but it lights up the light bulbs in my head. I hesitate but for not too long. I would do anything to protect my family and Peeta and his family too even though I didn't really know them. "We should get married." I say again, more seriously.

Haymitch seems to be considering this and Effie's eyes are lighting up, probably from the idea of throwing a wedding.

"No."

I turn to Peeta surprised. "No?"

"No." He says firmly, throwing his knife and fork down much to Effie's dismay.

"But Peeta, it could save our families." I urge, trying to convince him I can't help the shock that registers in me though at Peeta saying no to me. Maybe he was falling out of love with me. I wouldn't be too surprised at that with how I have treated him.

"It wouldn't be real though." He mutters and this confuses me before it slowly sets in. It wouldn't be real but he wanted it to be real. I am all too quickly brought back to the lies in the arena and how I rejected him so harshly afterwards. How used he must feel. The guilt seeps in once again.

Haymitch leans forward. "Listen boy. You are a victor now and you have to know how to play the presidents games." He scowls which makes me remember Peeta's confession on the roof. _I don't want them to change me. _"And stop being so selfish. This, like Katniss' said, will most likely save your families from death and trust me, that is not a privilege given to many victors."

Haymitch's words spike a slight anger in me because poor Peeta's is the most selfless person I know. And this is proven by the defeated look that passes on his face. "So we'll get married then?" I ask quietly and he doesn't hesitate in nodding sharply. And I don't hesitate in recognising the now familiar pain hidden in his beautiful blue eyes.

* * *

The following nights after that, I wasn't able to sleep and this night wasn't any different. All I can think about was what I was about to do. Marry Peeta. I had never in my life thought I would get married because I didn't want to end up having kids that would end up in the games. At the same time, I didn't think anyone would be willing to deal with Bria. But now here I was, soon to be engaged probably tomorrow in District 1 before we reached the Capitol.

The thought made both my heart beat with anticipation and my stomach churn violently. I had to tell him. I knew that. It would be worse if I didn't. Plus Clara would scream at me if I didn't. He had to know and I knew he wouldn't laugh at me or call me names but that wasn't what I was worried about. I didn't want to see the pity in his eyes when he realized how damaged tough stone Katniss really was.

I feel the need for action bubbling inside of me and I slip out of bed before it could leave. I throw on some socks to keep my feet warm before padding out of the room. The station is quiet and I don't get interrupted on the short walk to Peeta's room.

I try my hardest not to back out as I knock softly on his door. I am not waiting for long before its thrown open, Peeta revealed to me. Like me, he is still in his day clothes and I could see that he hadn't slept either.

"Katniss." He says, surprise evident in his voice. "Is everything alright."

"Uh, yeah." I say, fidgeting with my night shirt.

His brows furrow. "Is there something you need?"

I nod, taking a small breath. "I need to tell you something." I say. I couldn't back out now. I couldn't.

"I'm listening."

"I...I...I am really grateful that you accepted my, well, proposal."

He sighs slightly. "Like you said, it will get Snow off our backs...Goodnight then-"

No Katniss do not back out from this. "That's not all!" I blurt out before I could stop myself and he raises an eyebrow. "I...I...This is so hard." I mutter.

His expression changes from neutral to concern. "Katniss?" His voice softens. "Do you want to come in?"

I nod and he takes a step back to allow me in before closing the door behind him. I look away shyly and an awkward pause flows through us as I make my way over to his slightly rumpled bed. I nod to the place beside me inviting him to sit down next to me.

The silence lasts for minutes as I struggle to compose myself but Peeta only sits there, not pushing me one bit. The action makes my nervous heart swell even more."When I was thirteen, I left the District for a week." I begin. "I took off into the forest."

He nods. "You weren't in school for a week." He says and I almost smile. Of course he would have noticed.

"I just...had to get away from everything. With my Father's death and everything...things just got too much. So I left Prim and my Mother with some game to trade and took off into the forest."

He looks at me and I know that I have to continue but I'm not good with words like he was. I couldn't sugar coat or make it seem like an every day thing because it was! Girls always...always...

"She's the best thing that's ever happened to me." I mumble quickly. "Don't get me wrong, of course the circumstances are wrong but she is mine and I love her very much."

"Katniss, what are you-"

"My daughter." I finally say and his lips clamp tight. "My daughter. She's really beautiful. Inside and out which is crazy for someone who comes from my flesh and blood."

He is silent for a long time and I end up fumbling awkwardly with the edge of my night top once again. "You have a daughter?" Is all he asks.

"I was in the forest for a week. I don't remember anything that happened that week. I came back and 9 months later she was born. Scariest thing I have ever experienced."

Here it comes. The pity forms in his eyes. "That's why you didn't come to school for 3 months after summer. Katniss...were you...were you raped?" He asks, quietly.

I laugh humourlessly. "I don't really like to call it that. But I...yeah." I mutter willing away the emotions that threatened to spill out of me.

His hand flies up and is so light on my shoulder that I almost don't feel his touch trying to comfort me. Its a hard thing to register though so his silence or lack of responce doesn't frustrate me. "I'm sorry. I know it doesn't make it better but a I am. You probably don't want to hear it but I am so sorry." He whispers.

I smile sadly. "I thought you should know." I say. "With us getting married and all."

He sighs. "Thank you for telling me. Really. I would have more to say but-"

"Its weird. Its strange. Its hard to register, I know." I shrug.

"Who else knows?"

"My mother and Prim." I tell him. "And this girl called Clara from District 11. I met her when I used to beg at the train stations a few years ago and she was unloading barrels at the time. We've been friends since. She looks after Brianna for me."

"Brianna." Peeta repeats her name. "Its nice. Pretty. But why not just say it was your mother's child? Or even yours? Teen pregnancies do happen."

"Its...not that easy." I try to explain. "I don't know anything about Brianna's father but her skin is a small clue for me. Its dark. Only a few shades lighter than-" I gulp "Rue's was."

His eyebrows raise. "So this person might be from District 11?"

I simply nod. "Its better for Clara to look after her as people won't question it. Not like If I pranced around with Bria here."

"What's she like? Your daughter I mean."

I smile warmly. "She's a feisty one alright. But a little sweet thing too."

We talk the night asleep, mostly about Brianna and Clara staying on the safe topics. I even learn a bit about his own family how kind his father is which I have experienced when I trade with him and also how the name of his two brothers are Rye and Bannock, all of them named after bread. According to Peeta it sucked being the youngest because his brothers often ganged together to tease him.

But when the pauses get longer and our eyes start to close I realize that I should probably leave so that we could both sleep. But neither of us say anything. Neither of us say a word as we fall asleep at both ends of the bed.

* * *

The sun's rays wake me up in the morning. Shafts of light spread themselves around the room creating a soft glow. My skin is warmed by their heat and my eyelashes flicker against my cheeks as I wake.

Peeta's blue eyes meet mine as my sight focuses. He gives me a tender smile which I fail to give back in the morning. "We've missed breakfast." He informs me, shifting slightly on the bed. "Effie was screeching and banging at our doors an hour ago."

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I ask him, yawning as I do.

He shrugs. "I don't know about you but that was the best nights sleep I have had in a while." He says "And judging by how peaceful you looked, I am guessing it was the same for you."

I couldn't disagree with his words. I had no nightmares as I slept. Not even dreams either just complete almost surreal nothingness. "We should probably get up." I say but make no move to start the day. I stretch my arms out and its only then that I notice a blanket now covering me as it pools at my shoulders. I reach out and touch it tentatively.

"I woke up and you seemed cold." Peeta explains as he sees my confused expression. "You looked a bit cold so I found that in the closet."

"You didn't have to."

"I know. I wanted to."

"Thank you." I say quietly but he wavers it away. "Listen Peeta-"

"You don't have to be ashamed Katniss." He interrupts me, playing with a few loose strands on his own blanket. "I'm still shocked and I can't even begin to understand what you must have gone through. But you don't have to behave any differently around me because I know about Brianna."

"You're looking at me like I am glass Peeta." I say softly, turning to face the ceiling.

"I'm trying not to." He admits. "You're far from fragile Katniss."

"Its not what you bargained for is it?" I say with a sigh. "I mean your getting married and the girl has a kid." I laugh dryly.

He doesn't smile though, simply just shrugs. "I guess the games just aren't all that surprising anymore." He says. "And I love you. I think I'll love your daughter too because she is a part of you if not for anything else."

I press my lips thinly together. I had heard those three little words from him many times now but every time the guilt still filled me up and every time my heart seemed to want to break out of my chest.

The silence that fell on top of us was heavy and all of a sudden I felt like I needed to say _something _back to his declaration. Anything at all. I could never say those words back but I could say something else right? I didn't really want to risk it though because Katniss Everdeen just wasn't good with words and I didn't want to say something that Peeta might take the wrong way.

I did feel something for Peeta though, that much I couldn't lie to myself. But would simply my feelings be enough?

"Uhhhh" The alien sound break out of my mouth inaudibly and I clamp my lips tightly together in shock. Thankfully, Peeta didn't seem to notice as his eyes are still on the loose strands on the blanket. I take a deep breath. "You...you make my heart beat like crazy." I say, cringing slightly at the corny words.

The effect is immediate though as his eyes flash upwards to meet my own. "I do?"

I nod and before I could stop myself, I reach out and take his wrist. I put his hand near the top of my chest and close my eyes so I wouldn't see his reaction. "Wow." He mutters.

"Mhm." Is all I say, removing his hand after a little while. I open my eyes to meet his which are filled with classic Peeta joy.

"And what does that mean?" He asks carefully and almost inaudibly.

"I don't know." I mutter. "I think I might be falling for you. But I don't want that."

His smile dims. "Why not?"

"I can never trust a person with me in that way. With that part of me."

"If you don't want me to have that part of you." Peeta says. "Then I am more than happy to have another part. Or maybe just watch on the sidelines."

I shake my head. "That wouldn't be fair to you."

"You really don't understand how much I love you Katniss." He says, his fingers moving from the blanket strands to the loose strands of my braided hair. I don't reply. "You know you look beautiful in the morning sunlight."

I bat his hand away turning as the redness appears on my cheeks. "Stop!" I whine which makes him laugh.

"Blushing. Racing heart. What next? Sweaty palms?" He grins.

"You better hope it isn't or else you'll be sorry." I warn him which only widens his grin.

"You ready to get engaged today?" He asks me. My mood darkens as I remember exactly what this day is. I wasn't disappointed to be getting engaged to Peeta, I'd rather him than anyone else, but I don't think I am ready for marriage in particular. Could I be a wife? I don't know how to be a wife!

"Nope. Which is probably as ready as I will ever be." I say, honestly.

"It's like my dreams are coming true." Peeta whispers. "Just not in the way I wished it would. I mean, I would like it if you actually wanted to marry me."

"I'd rather you than anyone else." I tell him.

"Not even Gale?" He asks, doubt rising in his voice. I roll my eyes at his and tell Peeta a short version of how I turned Gale's love declaration down. "But everyone at school thought you guys had a thing. You spend so much time together and you really care about each other."

"I think of Gale like a brother." I say. "He might not see me in the same way but all I have is friendship for him and that's all I want, nothing more."

At my words I see relief enter Peeta's eyes which makes me frown. How much did he actually doubt any of my feelings towards him to think that I liked Gale? No offence to Gale but I don't think I would be able to deal with that temper of his if I even were to have a relationship with him.

It takes us a while but we finally force ourselves out of bed and into the daily motions. My prep team dress me up a bit more today on Cinna's command much to my distaste to make me camera ready for the engagement. The proposal is probably going to be played over and over again in the Capitol so I had to look my best.

My hair is put up into a slick long pony tail that hangs over my shoulder and my eye make up is a lot more detailed the normal. Cinna dresses me in a green dress that is long and slit at the back. The slits make me frown and he gives me an apologetic glance.

"Sorry Katniss. Snow ordered me to dress you a little more...revealing this year." He bites his lip and I huff.

"My body is not supposed to be on show for the whole of Panem to see." I say, angrily. "Really its for only Peeta to see since he is going to be my...urr husband."

He smirks. "Well-" he starts to say but I interrupt his speech by shoving him playfully on the shoulder. "What?!"

"Don't act like you weren't going to say something inappropriate." I laugh and he joins me, our laughs crackling through the room.

"Are you two alright in there?" Octavia asks as she pops her head in, a concerned expression on her face.

I smirk. "We're fine-"

Venus bursts through the room, making me jump with surprise. "Oh Katniss don't you look perfect!" She squeals starting a new round of coos and chatter from my prep team.

District 1 is not as luxurious as I expected to be. The buildings are just as run down as they are in the other districts but I do notice how everyone is a little more plump here then anywhere else much like the other Career Districts. Its not surprising being the Capitol favourites and with all the packages they get with the amount of victors they breed here.

I meet Peeta by the exit of the train when I am finally finished getting prepared, a lot of the time spent siking myself up for it. He is dressed in a casual button down white shirt with tan pants which suits his light looks nicely.

"Wow." He mutters when he sees me stumbling towards him.

I roll my eyes. "Please, I look like a walking doll." I say.

He chuckles lightly. "A very beautiful walking doll." He adds which makes me once again roll my eyes.

"Okay, smiles everybody!" Effie screeches in our ears as the door opens, me and Peeta's hands automatically finding each other, revealing the crowds down bellow. Like usual, people are standing in a cold silence, stony expressions on their faces. I am not be surprised. We are the people who are still alive while their children are dead. I wouldn't expect a very friendly welcome either.

"Some of the proposal speech is mine." Peeta whispers to me as we walk towards the already ready stage where the cameras are on the go to switch on. "Just so you know its not all Effie's handy work."

I give him a curious look but he simply smiles at me. The camera's switch on as soon as everyone is in place and we stick to the rules this time, reading off the speeches that Effie had given us.

"Now before the camera's cut off I have something to say." Peeta adds after he finishes his speech. "As everyone knows, me and Katniss have been through a lot together this past 6 months and we've both gotten to know each other more during this time. I'm being honest when I say its like I've fallen in love with her all over again." He looks at me at this part and my breath is taken away by intensified look in his eyes.

"I never thought I could be so lucky to have someone who knows me as well as she does. Or looks at me at the way that she does. Or loves me" He pauses here and once again the pang of guilt comes. "The way she does. And I know people might say we are too young. And too naïve and too inexperienced. But my father always told me that when you have something good, you hold on to it and you never let it go no matter." I smile. I can imagine the kind baker saying something like that.

"Which is why Katniss," He makes his way over to me "I love you. And if you'll have me then I will love you and care for you forever." He pulls out a simple small black case from his pocket and knelt down on one knee as the surprised squeals from our prep-teams start. "Will you marry me?"

I automatically put on my practised façade, jumping up and down. "Yes!" I exclaim and let him put the ring on my finger and rise up before leaping into his arms. Of course there are no cheers or claps from District 1 but they would probably be edited in later on.

* * *

"Did you know which parts were mine?" Peeta asks me later on that night as we are lounging on the sofa's in the sitting room. Everyone else had long since gone to bed but with all the excitement we both couldn't sleep.

"I think I know." I reply.

"How?"

"The way you said it. Plus Effie couldn't have been able to write some of the things you said." I smirk which makes him laugh quietly.

"We're engaged now." Peeta says, sounding in awe "You are my fiancée. Scary isn't it?"

"Yep." I nod breathing out. "I never wanted to get married. Or have kids. I guess both ships have sailed now." I frown.

"We can do this you know." He says, glancing at me. "Together."

I look down at my folded hands on my lap, swallowing. I can't do this. I know I can't. But I still look towards Peeta, a tentative smile on my lips. "Together."


End file.
